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**colincd** · 29 September 2003, 18:08

Very Good

**Linda** · 29 September 2003, 21:06

made me laugh he he he he ....

**Purpledoris** · 30 September 2003, 11:44

Right, sorry about this one but I'm going to be as polite as possible and not use any rude words.

The bear hunter goes off into the woods for a weeks shooting and luckily, on his very first day he sees this massive bear, bigger than any other bear he's ever seen. He takes aim and fires and scrambles quickly towards the spot where the bear was standing, to appraise his kill.
but when he gets there, there is no sign of the bear.And then he feels a tap on the shoulder and turns round to find himself face to face with this huge bear.
"Excuse me" says the bear " did you just try to kill me?". The hunter realises that lying will not get him out of this mess and so reluctantly admits that yes, it was him. "In that case" says the bear "You have two choices. you can let me tear you limb from limb with my huge powerful claws, or you can drop your pants - you may at least survive that" The hunter really has no other choice. sore and bruised he makes his way back to camp and spends the next couple of days recovering from his ordeal. On the third day, he feels a lot better and decides to go out hunting again. He sees the same bear, loads his gun , takes aim and fires thinking - at least I've got him this time!. Well , when he gets to the spot where the bear was standing he realises again that the bear is nowhere to be seen.A sense of panic sets in and he begins to run wildly back to his camp, to be stopped in his tracks by said bear, wearing a very mischevious look on his face. The bear begins to laugh and the hunter is bemused by this until the bear wipes the tears of mirth from his eyes and says to him

"You're not really here for the hunting are you????"

Well, it made me laugh the first time i heard it!!

**Draig** · 30 September 2003, 11:51

like it !

**colincd** · 30 September 2003, 12:32

Thought you might like these

An old man goes to the doctor to get a check up and his wife goes with him.
The doctor says o.k. Mr.Wells, I need a urine sample, a stool sample,
and a sperm sample from you, and so he turns to his wife and says,
"What did he say, honey?"
She says, "He said he needs to see your underwear!!!!"
.............................. .............................. .............................. .........

A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar
in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied
an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits,
wrinkled face.'Who's he?' said the scouser.
'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything.
He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.'
So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English
football, asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'.
'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man.
'Who did they beat?'
'Leeds' was the reply.
'And the score?' '2-1'
'Who scored the winning goal?'
'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply.
The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home
about the Memory Man when he got back.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the
impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the
same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more
wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet
the Indian in his native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting 'How'.
The Memory man replied.....'Diving header in the six yard box'.
.............................. .............................. .............................. ...........................
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The
son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take
another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing,
begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting
tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles
the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and
stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front
door,into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans
his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the
bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"
The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

I HAVE got to get me a JOB

**Draig** · 30 September 2003, 16:43

brilliant - loved the 1st one - i'm gonna nick that one for my mates

**hormygollop** · 1 October 2003, 01:11

So true

**colincd** · 1 October 2003, 11:41

Originally posted by hormygollop

So true

VERY Good

Going to print that one off and put it up on the wall, I "Might" be back on later depends on what "she who must be obeyed" thinks of it

**Draig** · 7 October 2003, 11:30

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister - do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares:

Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

**colincd** · 7 October 2003, 11:38

One from me then :-)

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. While they are there the mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home for �5000 or they can bury her in the Holy Land for only �150.

The guy thinks for a while and then says, "We'll ship her home."
"Are you sure?" the undertaker asks. "That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

**marky** · 7 October 2003, 19:07

We all know that it isn't polite to use the "F" word! There are only
ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use:
10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered f___ing showers! ....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?"- Bill Clinton,
1999
and number 1 . . . drum roll . . . .
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." - Osama bin
Laden

**colincd** · 7 October 2003, 19:51

We are going to have to have a seperate page for all the Jokes Soon

**hormygollop** · 7 October 2003, 20:17

Originally posted by marky

We all know that it isn't polite to use the "F" word! There are only
ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use:
10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered f___ing showers! ....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?"- Bill Clinton,
1999
and number 1 . . . drum roll . . . .
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." - Osama bin
Laden

Some of the nearly made its
King Harold
Watch out youll have someones f___ing eye out with that.

Admiral Lord Nelson
Relax Hardy they will never f___ing hit us from there

Chairman of B.M.W
Send them by boat it will be miles f___ing cheaper

Evander Holyfield
C'mon then Tyson right f___ing ear right now

**marky** · 7 October 2003, 20:21

nice one yes i think we need a joke page. but we have to watch web space i think

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