start the week with a smile - i hope

[colincd]

The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Brilliant can't stop laughing

[colincd]

Subject: Chicken...

Scientists at British Aerospace built a gun specifically to launch
dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, all
travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of
the windshields.

French engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new TGV high-speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the French engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified French Engineers sent `British Aerospace` the
disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the
TGV windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.


British Aerospace responded with a one-line memo:


"Thaw the Chicken"

[colincd]

Firm and Toned
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt.
He said "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she restrained herself and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said

"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

[colincd]

Rooster Joke !An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything.

So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried."So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster.

I've got to do something about this!" He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet! I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there.

We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy." So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch.

The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens.

When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.

He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself,

"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month! "

[colincd]

Feel Like a Woman

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."


Last one .............................. ......FOR NOW

[Ems and Jim]

Santa's Reindeer are girls and here's the proof:

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be a girl!

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!


Ems

[Diveboy]

How many students of Sigmund Freud does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold my penis.







Stepladder!

................and one to hold the stepladder.

[Silver Surfer]

A nice silly one for the folks.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
> for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
> It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
> Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
> Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
> "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
> "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red
> wine!"
> She smiles and they start kissing.
> Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me
> lower."
> Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours
> it on her breasts.
> "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
> "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white
> wine!"
> She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things
> really steam up.
> Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much
> lower!"
> Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it
> on
> her lap.
> He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
> Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
> Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams
> furiously,
> "PIERRE, WHAT THE F*** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
> Our hero stands and says defiantly,
> "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

[colincd]

Now we are talking....................... ....................

How about this one.................

[Ems and Jim]

A new two year degree is being offered at Life University...
Becoming a Real Man!

That's right, in just six terms, you too can be a real man.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline:

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule
MEN 101...Combating Stupidity
MEN 102...You too can do housework
MEN 103...PMS - Learn when to keep your mouth shut
MEN 104...We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule
MEN 110...Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111...Understanding the female responses to getting in at 4 a.m.
MEN 112...Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
MEN 113...Get a life, learn to cook

Spring Schedule
MEN 120...How NOT to act like an asshole when you're wrong
MEN 121...Understanding your incompetence
MEN 122...You, the weaker sex
MEN 123...Reasons to give flowers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule
SEX 101...You CAN fall asleep without it
SEX 102...Morning Dilemma: If it's awake, take a shower
MEN 201...How to stay awake after sex
MEN 202...How to put the toilet seat down

Winter Schedule
MEN 210...The remote control: Overcoming your dependencies
MEN 211...How NOT to act younger that your children
MEN 212...You too can be a designated driver
MEN 213...Honest - You don't look like Russel Wong - Especially naked

Spring Schedule
MEN 220...Omitting @#%! from your vocabulary
MEN 221...Fluffing the blanket after farting in not necessary
MEN 222...Real men ask for directions
MEN 223...Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay


Ems

[colincd]

So THATS what I have been doing wrong then !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this one then.......................... ....

[Ems and Jim]

lmao !! i liked that one

[colincd]

OK looks like Ems likes the cartoons so here is another...................

[Ems and Jim]

that looks just like me lol

[colincd]

that looks just like me lol

I take it by your comment, that you look like the FIRST picture Ems