Tweet
dont buy expensive exlax or laxchoc if your bunged up
no!!!
buy clorets (the breath sweets) or mentos sugar free mints they work twice as good and 5 times faster
i stopped smoking last week an have since had cravings squashed by sugar free chewing gum etc (oh and a patch)
at 5 am this morning im on the m62 and get the i wanna cig feeling so i looked into my chewing gum stash and i was out but there was about 6 free sample clorets and half a box of these mentos
so got stuck into clorets and polished off the mentos when with a lovely sweet refreshed mouth i got this gurgling feeling, followed by this rather painful urge to break wind (you with me still)
so like all men do i lifted my a ss off the seat and quickley realised it was not wind trying to escape
so i gently applied the brakes rather sharpish jumped out of the surf (left it running) tried to undo kegs as i tumbled head first down banking catching my left cheek on a broken bottle in the grass and then landing in crouch possition (luckilly for me) & with the grace of a baby elephant just as my body decided to let go!!!
yes im there smilling to myself & happy in the knowledge i didn't soil myself although there is blood rolling down my leg at least it aint the brown stuff (i can tell em at work i did it while fighting of the beast of bodmin who is on holliday up here at the moment)
then utter shock!!!!
no paper!
oh whats this ........... ah yes a glossy mag .... that will do............... rips of a dry sheet . . . . . wipes then another.... etc etc
just about to pull my kegs up when a voice from the top of the embankment and 2 torches asks why im stood with my trousers and undies round my ankles with a copy of escort readers wives in my hand?
well
what do you say to that?
so searching for a quick answer i just said "what the $$$$ does it look like"
"i dont know you cocky pervert" he said
"and where is all the blood from"
"dont move" " and i meen dont move you $$$$$$$""if you move ill smash your skull in with my baton""tony keep your light on him while i go see whats been going on here and radio for back up"
i must point out that at this time my body decided to give way again for a second round of involuntary bodily functions as he was walking down the embankment
"i thought i told you not to move, tony get down here now this $$$$er wants to play"
it was at this point i noticed i was about to be arrested for gross perversion or whatever its called
so i starts to shout and explain its not my fault
i had to go or i would have soiled myself etc etc
i also recounted the rolling down the embankment & nicking my ass on the way down etc etc
then the other 2 police cars turned up!
the officers now with me noticed i had not strangled and mutilated anyone and did not have a hard on so was not pulling the head off a chicken etc etc and shouted to the officers up on the banking (2 in like riot gear clothing) throw us the toilet paper down we have another bloke who cant go when he's at home
when i eventually stopped doing what nature intended my a ss to do and used half a roll of tripple velvet, adjusted my attire and made my way back to the top of the embankment and into the police car for breathalizing and wanted murdering sex offender check
i explained to the officer what had happened and he said the clorets have caused this before and if i had read the plastic free sample packet it clearly says "over consumption MAY have laxative effect"
over consumtion??? i only ate 6 and a few $$$$$$ mentos!!!
anyway i was 15 mins late to work and when asked why i was late i told them i slept in!!
they would not believe me if i told them!!
if it had not have hapened to me i would not have believed it!
as for the clorets . . well they can shove them up their a rses as far as im concerned im not eating them again
no!!!
buy clorets (the breath sweets) or mentos sugar free mints they work twice as good and 5 times faster
i stopped smoking last week an have since had cravings squashed by sugar free chewing gum etc (oh and a patch)
at 5 am this morning im on the m62 and get the i wanna cig feeling so i looked into my chewing gum stash and i was out but there was about 6 free sample clorets and half a box of these mentos
so got stuck into clorets and polished off the mentos when with a lovely sweet refreshed mouth i got this gurgling feeling, followed by this rather painful urge to break wind (you with me still)
so like all men do i lifted my a ss off the seat and quickley realised it was not wind trying to escape
so i gently applied the brakes rather sharpish jumped out of the surf (left it running) tried to undo kegs as i tumbled head first down banking catching my left cheek on a broken bottle in the grass and then landing in crouch possition (luckilly for me) & with the grace of a baby elephant just as my body decided to let go!!!
yes im there smilling to myself & happy in the knowledge i didn't soil myself although there is blood rolling down my leg at least it aint the brown stuff (i can tell em at work i did it while fighting of the beast of bodmin who is on holliday up here at the moment)
then utter shock!!!!
no paper!
oh whats this ........... ah yes a glossy mag .... that will do............... rips of a dry sheet . . . . . wipes then another.... etc etc
just about to pull my kegs up when a voice from the top of the embankment and 2 torches asks why im stood with my trousers and undies round my ankles with a copy of escort readers wives in my hand?
well
what do you say to that?
so searching for a quick answer i just said "what the $$$$ does it look like"
"i dont know you cocky pervert" he said
"and where is all the blood from"
"dont move" " and i meen dont move you $$$$$$$""if you move ill smash your skull in with my baton""tony keep your light on him while i go see whats been going on here and radio for back up"
i must point out that at this time my body decided to give way again for a second round of involuntary bodily functions as he was walking down the embankment
"i thought i told you not to move, tony get down here now this $$$$er wants to play"
it was at this point i noticed i was about to be arrested for gross perversion or whatever its called
so i starts to shout and explain its not my fault
i had to go or i would have soiled myself etc etc
i also recounted the rolling down the embankment & nicking my ass on the way down etc etc
then the other 2 police cars turned up!
the officers now with me noticed i had not strangled and mutilated anyone and did not have a hard on so was not pulling the head off a chicken etc etc and shouted to the officers up on the banking (2 in like riot gear clothing) throw us the toilet paper down we have another bloke who cant go when he's at home
when i eventually stopped doing what nature intended my a ss to do and used half a roll of tripple velvet, adjusted my attire and made my way back to the top of the embankment and into the police car for breathalizing and wanted murdering sex offender check
i explained to the officer what had happened and he said the clorets have caused this before
and if i had read the plastic free sample packet it clearly says "over consumption MAY have laxative effect"over consumtion??? i only ate 6 and a few $$$$$$ mentos!!!
anyway i was 15 mins late to work and when asked why i was late i told them i slept in!!
they would not believe me if i told them!!
if it had not have hapened to me i would not have believed it!
as for the clorets . . well they can shove them up their a rses as far as im concerned im not eating them again
Sorry for laughing at your misfortune. I thought I had a $hit day!
I was like this for about a quater of an hour, in a proper state, and in-capcitated when I saw a police car pull over and up to my Surf (fully and obviously signwritten with company website, email and phone numbers etc) and two rather attractive lady police s l o w l y get out and wander up to my somewhat incapacitated and sick covered form.
Comment