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Sounds just like our dealings with NTL, but he didn't have the police turn up at 4am to ask who'd called 999 from this number!... we showed them the cut cable hanging out of the pavement and they went away!...
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint
letter
>of the year...have a laugh and read on.
>
>Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A
>real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints
dept....)
>
>
>Dear Cretins,
>
>I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up foryour
>3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month
>period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously
>considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidityof monolithic
proportions.
>Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
>your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or
>more likely
>(I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you
>while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the
>bog in your office:
>
>My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending
>an entire Saturday sitting on my fat a*se waiting for your technician to
>arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to
>your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot
woman
>telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
>
>I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
-an
>activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The
rescheduled
>installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician
>did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his
>cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
>had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived...
>six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate
your
>internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about
6pm -midnight,
>Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I amstill waiting for my telephone
connection.
>I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
unhelpfully
>transferred to avariety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also
>highlyskilled bollock jugglers.
>
>I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
>call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call
>me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not
>a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
transferred
>to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that
>your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
>redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other
variations
>on this theme.
>
>Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand
>other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those
crucially
>important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don'tcare, it's far more
>satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout
>them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
>therefore, if I continue.
>
>I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy ****-pot of god-
>awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested,
>less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.
>That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is
there?
>How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction
>and disappointment what a useless shower of *******s you truly are. You
are
>sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
>
>
>British Telecom - w*nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
>of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy.
>Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest
>to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any
potential
>future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have
>so pointedly and catastrophically failed todeliver - any such activity will
>be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by
derision,
>and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with
>great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and
complete
>contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that
they
>have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist
>at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if
you
>did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider
them
>the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
>
>
>Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly
>incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of ****s.
>
>John
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint
letter
>of the year...have a laugh and read on.
>
>Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A
>real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints
dept....)
>
>
>Dear Cretins,
>
>I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up foryour
>3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month
>period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously
>considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidityof monolithic
proportions.
>Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
>your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or
>more likely
>(I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you
>while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the
>bog in your office:
>
>My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending
>an entire Saturday sitting on my fat a*se waiting for your technician to
>arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to
>your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot
woman
>telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
>
>I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
-an
>activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The
rescheduled
>installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician
>did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his
>cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
>had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived...
>six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate
your
>internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about
6pm -midnight,
>Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I amstill waiting for my telephone
connection.
>I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
unhelpfully
>transferred to avariety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also
>highlyskilled bollock jugglers.
>
>I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
>call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call
>me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not
>a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
transferred
>to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that
>your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
>redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other
variations
>on this theme.
>
>Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand
>other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those
crucially
>important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don'tcare, it's far more
>satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout
>them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
>therefore, if I continue.
>
>I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy ****-pot of god-
>awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested,
>less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.
>That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is
there?
>How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction
>and disappointment what a useless shower of *******s you truly are. You
are
>sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
>
>
>British Telecom - w*nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
>of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy.
>Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest
>to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any
potential
>future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have
>so pointedly and catastrophically failed todeliver - any such activity will
>be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by
derision,
>and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with
>great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and
complete
>contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that
they
>have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist
>at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if
you
>did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider
them
>the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
>
>
>Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly
>incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of ****s.
>
>John
I was a lot less clever when I told NTL where to shove their phone service
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