start the week with a smile - i hope

[marky]

wet myself at that one. on the swing ha ha ha

[marky]

ooppss

[Koi]

Colonel Sanders was worried about a dip in the sales at KFC, so he turned to the Pope for help.

"Holy Father, I need you to change the words in the Lord's Prayer from
'Give us this day, our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily
chicken'," he says.

"I can't do that." said the Pope. "It's the Lord's Prayer."

After a further dip in sales the Colonel makes another appeal.
"I'll give you $50 million if you'll change the prayer."

"Sorry!" says the Pope. "No can do."

"I'll give you $150 million then.", says the desperate Colonel. "You can do
a lot of good work with all that."

"I'll get back to you," says the Pope.

The next day the Pope addressed his Cardinals, saying "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. We are going to get $150 million from KFC to do good work around the world."

All the Cardinals let out a mighty cheer!

"The bad news," said the Pope, "...is we are going to lose the Hovis
account"

[marky]

nice one keep em coming. oh & can we have a funnies page on the forum
pretty please

[colincd]

nice one keep em coming. oh & can we have a funnies page on the forum
pretty please

Yep, I will agree with that
(even though you made me shoot Tigger )



Colin

[hormygollop]

Dont let the women away with it

Keith

[valarius]

Mermaid Sex

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He happened to look down the bar and see a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball. So he walked down and said to the man, Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but I noticed you have a small head. Is this a birth defect? The man said No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the German's in WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship so I swam to shore. One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me three wishes.

For my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S. The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex
with the mermaid. She said, I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have sex. So I said, How about a little head?

[Ems and Jim]

• What a Word A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia." Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ... there'll be Hell to pay later.
  
  
  Ems

[colincd]

Brill

One up to the Ladies

[Ems and Jim]

Sorry a bit rude this one

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!


I think that just about sums up male drivers !!!!!!!!!


Ems

[Ems and Jim]

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy...

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.


Ems

[colincd]

Go for it Emm's
They are getting better

[Ems and Jim]

last one i promise...............


Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs

God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself?
Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I don't think I need this center boob.

God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel?
Eve: I feel great!

(Looking at her hand...)

Woman: Excuse me God?
God: Yes
Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?

***POOF***
Man was created.


..............well for today maybe


Ems

[colincd]

Emms
I think "Boob" should be replaced with "T*T"

Brilliant keep them comming, I am sure you have some more hidden away ..............

[high-surfer]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay
men in contemporary society." After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said "Would you like to know what the
painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African Americans
depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."