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My father drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.
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A racist, an adulterer and an England footballer walk into a bar. The barman says "What can I get you John?"
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It's funny how women change. I never really noticed it until I set up my hidden webcam in Top Shop.
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I had a one night stand once that went horribly wrong. We've been married for 30 years.
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I told my brother I wanted Old Spice for my birthday. Imagine my horror when I got home and saw Geri Haliwell lying naked on the couch.
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I was playing football against the Mafia. The opposing goalkeeper said he'd kill me if I scored a goal. I wouldn't put it past him.
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My mate told me that he thought he was the worst vet in the world. I said "Don't put yourself down."
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On today's BBC news: "The Scandal of Scotland's Battered Women." (Jeez, and I thought they'd gone too far with the deep fried Mars Bars).
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My girlfriend was dating a circus clown before we met. I suppose I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
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I said to my doctor, "Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine."
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My wife started horse riding to try and achieve some weight loss. It worked. The horse lost 30 lb in the first fortnight.
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I went to a pub quiz in Glasgow last night. First question was "What the f **k are you looking at?"
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I accidentally put diesel instead of petrol in my ex-girlfriend's car. It was a nightmare getting it to light.
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Being told you "really are one in a million" is nice. Unless of course it's a diagnosis.
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My 15 year old daughter has just banged her head. I'll be taking her out of that school.
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When I was younger I was scared of earwigs because I thought they actually lived in your ears. I was even more terrified of cockroaches.
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I've found a website where you can send off old bits of gold chain for money. I'll post a link later on.
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Two guys knocked at my door and said "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said "Oh no! What's he done now?"
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I come from a very traditional family. My uncle hanged himself last Christmas Eve and we didn't take his body down until the 6th of January.
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I drove my daughter's guinea pig to the vet's this morning. (I'm really quite pleased with these new golf clubs).
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My local chip shop has started using magazines instead of newspapers. I'm currently eating them out of House and Home.
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It's at times like this I recall that passage from my Bible: "Property of Carlton Hotels".
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The two differences between an oral and a rectal thermometer:- the experience and the taste.
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The price of visiting Big Ben has risen to £15. If I wanted to spend that much looking at a bunch of bell ends, I'd go into the main building downstairs.
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Want to make money from Facebook? It's simple; just go into 'Account Settings', click on 'Deactivate Account' and then go and get a job.
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Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
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A racist, an adulterer and an England footballer walk into a bar. The barman says "What can I get you John?"
--
It's funny how women change. I never really noticed it until I set up my hidden webcam in Top Shop.
--
I had a one night stand once that went horribly wrong. We've been married for 30 years.
--
I told my brother I wanted Old Spice for my birthday. Imagine my horror when I got home and saw Geri Haliwell lying naked on the couch.
--
I was playing football against the Mafia. The opposing goalkeeper said he'd kill me if I scored a goal. I wouldn't put it past him.
--
My mate told me that he thought he was the worst vet in the world. I said "Don't put yourself down."
--
On today's BBC news: "The Scandal of Scotland's Battered Women." (Jeez, and I thought they'd gone too far with the deep fried Mars Bars).
--
My girlfriend was dating a circus clown before we met. I suppose I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
--
I said to my doctor, "Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine."
--
My wife started horse riding to try and achieve some weight loss. It worked. The horse lost 30 lb in the first fortnight.
--
I went to a pub quiz in Glasgow last night. First question was "What the f **k are you looking at?"
--
I accidentally put diesel instead of petrol in my ex-girlfriend's car. It was a nightmare getting it to light.
--
Being told you "really are one in a million" is nice. Unless of course it's a diagnosis.
--
My 15 year old daughter has just banged her head. I'll be taking her out of that school.
--
When I was younger I was scared of earwigs because I thought they actually lived in your ears. I was even more terrified of cockroaches.
--
I've found a website where you can send off old bits of gold chain for money. I'll post a link later on.
--
Two guys knocked at my door and said "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said "Oh no! What's he done now?"
--
I come from a very traditional family. My uncle hanged himself last Christmas Eve and we didn't take his body down until the 6th of January.
--
I drove my daughter's guinea pig to the vet's this morning. (I'm really quite pleased with these new golf clubs).
--
My local chip shop has started using magazines instead of newspapers. I'm currently eating them out of House and Home.
--
It's at times like this I recall that passage from my Bible: "Property of Carlton Hotels".
--
The two differences between an oral and a rectal thermometer:- the experience and the taste.
--
The price of visiting Big Ben has risen to £15. If I wanted to spend that much looking at a bunch of bell ends, I'd go into the main building downstairs.
--
Want to make money from Facebook? It's simple; just go into 'Account Settings', click on 'Deactivate Account' and then go and get a job.
--
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
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