Tweet
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry
member of the public A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written......
--------------
> > Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
> > Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
> > police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and
> > try e-mailing you instead.
> >
> > Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your
> > colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
> >
> > As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
> > (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off
> > St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
> >
> > Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
> > football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This
> > causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
> > This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
> > system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
> >
> > The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through
> > several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
> > thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is
> > setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
> >
> > I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
> > attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between
> > the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off
> > then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them
> > the matches.
> >
> > Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with
> > them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
> >
> > What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
> > assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt
> > with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
> > when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car
> > before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course
> > serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
> >
> > I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
> > throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month
> > head start before coming to arrest me.
> >
> > I remain your obedient servant
> > ???????
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > Mr ??????,
> >
> > I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the
> > problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have
> > encountered in trying to contact the police.
> >
> > As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend
> > an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
> >
> > Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
> > (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
> >
> > Regards
> > PC ???????
> > Community Beat Officer
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > Dear PC ???????
> > First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
> > original e-mail.
> >
> > 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police
> > Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris
> > McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.
> >
> > Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community
> > Beat Officer.
> >
> > May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the
> > five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen
> > you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated
> > the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his
> > forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely
> > only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
> >
> > Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking
> > place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without
> > due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain
> > (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ####s that
> > they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
> >
> > The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within
> > spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being
> > the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
> >
> > Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free
> > to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
> > answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
> >
> > Regards
> > ?????????
> >
> > P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
> > don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!
member of the public A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written......
--------------
> > Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
> > Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin
> > police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and
> > try e-mailing you instead.
> >
> > Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your
> > colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
> >
> > As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
> > (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off
> > St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
> >
> > Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a
> > football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This
> > causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
> > This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring
> > system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
> >
> > The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through
> > several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
> > thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is
> > setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
> >
> > I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited
> > attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between
> > the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off
> > then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them
> > the matches.
> >
> > Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with
> > them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
> >
> > What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless
> > assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt
> > with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
> > when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car
> > before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course
> > serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
> >
> > I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
> > throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month
> > head start before coming to arrest me.
> >
> > I remain your obedient servant
> > ???????
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > Mr ??????,
> >
> > I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the
> > problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have
> > encountered in trying to contact the police.
> >
> > As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend
> > an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
> >
> > Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
> > (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
> >
> > Regards
> > PC ???????
> > Community Beat Officer
> >
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > Dear PC ???????
> > First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
> > original e-mail.
> >
> > 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police
> > Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris
> > McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.
> >
> > Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community
> > Beat Officer.
> >
> > May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the
> > five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen
> > you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated
> > the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his
> > forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely
> > only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
> >
> > Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking
> > place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without
> > due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain
> > (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ####s that
> > they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
> >
> > The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within
> > spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being
> > the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
> >
> > Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free
> > to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
> > answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
> >
> > Regards
> > ?????????
> >
> > P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
> > don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!