Out of the mouths of.................

[That Ruddy Squirrel]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The class teacher said it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat is very small.

The little girl said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it
was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".

+++

A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.

?The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

?The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

?Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl ?replied:
"They will in a minute."

+++

A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her?five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, ?she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our??brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family)?answered,
"Thou shall not kill."

+++

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes ?at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several ??strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs
white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and?make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,

"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

+++

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

?"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's? Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ?"And there's the teacher.
She's dead. "

+++

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make
the matter clearer, she said,

"Now, class, if I stood on my head, ?the blood, as you know, would run into
it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary?position the
blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,????"Cause your feet ain't empty."

+++

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large
pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples".

[da SLUG man]

hehehe!!... we were in the pub last night and they've got a new bar maid, lets just say she's rather rotund!

nobody was getting served and someone asked where she'd gone... some one else said "she's gone to change the barrel"... may mate said... "why? what's wrong with the one she was wearing?!" hehehe!!

[That Ruddy Squirrel]

Volume 2 - Hi Mum !

1. My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me religion.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about time travel.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me logic.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me more logic.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me foresight.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me irony.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about contortionism.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about stamina.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about weather.
"This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about hypocrisy.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the circle of life.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about behavior modification.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about envy.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about anticipation.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about receiving.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me medical science.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me humor.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me how to become an adult.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me genetics.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my roots.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me wisdom.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about justice.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."