Missed it

[Brummie]

Fred was a man of habit. He got up went to work,clocked out strait round to the pub where he stayed till closing time when he went home got his dinner out of the oven threw it away put the plate to soak and went to bed. He did this every day except weekends when he had a lie in then went to the pub.
This was his way of life until one evening when sitting at his usual table he overheard some guys talking about thier sex lives. He realised he couldn,t remember the last time he had had any. With this he stood up left his half empty glass on the table and shot out of the pub and raced home.
He dived through the front door and shouted "Im home darling"..........silence.
He went into the lounge saying "Im home darling"...........silence.
He knew his wife had only just gone to bed as the t.v. was still warm so he raced upstairs stripping his clothes off as he went, dived through the bedroom door saying "Im home darling"..........silence.
He could see his wife lying flat on her back in bed so he went over and kissed her lips .... not a twitch
He pulled the bedclothes down and kissed her neck... not a twitch
He pulled the bedclothes down further and kissed round her navel ... not a twitch.
He pulled the bedclothes down further still and kissed the backs of her knees
With that his wife shot up and said "I bet if it had been a pint you wouldnt have missed it"