Jokes

[Philip]

New jokes please even if their out of a Christmas Cracker.
Thanks Philip

[Dublin]

A building contractor is going through the final details of a new home with the owner. They walk from room to room discussing paint colors. At the first room the owner decides on a powder blue, the contractor scribbles something down on his notepad and walks over to the window and yells "Green side Up". They go to the next room and light almond is decided, again he writes something down walks over to the window and yells " Green side Up". In the next room Royal blue is chosen and after jotting something down the contractor goes to the window and shouts "Green side Up". The owner is a bit puzzled and thinks this must be some sort of code for painting preparation, so he asks the contractor what it means. The contractor says " Oh I just hired a few" he walks over to the window again " Green side Up" then turns to the owner " a few blondes to lay sod".

Well you said you wanted any joke

[Dublin]

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Because that's where you wash the vegetables. ( told this to my sister in-law she said "of course, your supposed to was 'em in the sink) Her sidewalk doesn't go all the way to the porch.

[Dublin]

The preacher noticed little Billy was staring up at the plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
It was covered with names and small flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the preacher walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly: "Good morning, Billy."
"Good morning, Preacher," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Preacher, what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died while in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the plaque.

Little Billy's voice was barely audible when he asked: "Which service, the morning or the evening?"

[Dublin]

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the war, his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he
drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of
100 enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's
been drinking."

That's all for now my head hurts

[Philip]

Thanks and you certainly started my day of with a LAUGH !!!

[dieselboy]

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the war, his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he
drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of
100 enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't mess with my uncle Ted when he's
pi$$ed!"

That's all for now my head hurts

long live Mike Reid, ive changed the punch line so its funnier and how mike told it

[dieselboy]

A building contractor is going through the final details of a new home with the owner. They walk from room to room discussing paint colors. At the first room the owner decides on a powder blue, the contractor scribbles something down on his notepad and walks over to the window and yells "Green side Up". They go to the next room and light almond is decided, again he writes something down walks over to the window and yells " Green side Up". In the next room Royal blue is chosen and after jotting something down the contractor goes to the window and shouts "Green side Up". The owner is a bit puzzled and thinks this must be some sort of code for painting preparation, so he asks the contractor what it means. The contractor says " Oh I just hired a few" he walks over to the window again " Green side Up" then turns to the owner " a few blondes to lay sod".

Well you said you wanted any joke

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Because that's where you wash the vegetables. ( told this to my sister in-law she said "of course, your supposed to was 'em in the sink) Her sidewalk doesn't go all the way to the porch.

how comes i dont get these two?

[captain_chaos]

how comes i dont get these two?

First joke is making a reference to dumb blondes because the contractor has to keep reminding them that the new turf goes on the ground green (the side with the grass on) side up.
The second is another dumb blonde joke, washing vegetables (the edible type and the stupid type) in the sink. This theory of the dumb blonde was confimed when dublin told the joke to his sister-in-law and she didn't understand it.
I hope this has cleared things up for you. And it has wasted another few minutes of work for me

[devon blue]

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan.
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

[devon blue]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!'.

[skypilot]

Suicide

I was depressed and felt suicidal once and was going to take a whole bottle of Paracetomol, but after the first two I felt much better.