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1. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".
2. So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
3. I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
4. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
5. He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
6. Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
7. But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
8. Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
9. Anyway, I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.
10. I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said, "Baa", I said, "Moo", he said, "You go first.".
11. You see I'm against hunting; in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
12. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I said, "Do you get my drift?"
13. I went back down the local supermarket yesterday, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".
14. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
15. But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
16. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes; he's a catholic converter.
17. Now did you know all male tennis players are witches? I mean look at that Goran, even he's a witch.
18. So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"
19. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".
2. So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
3. I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
4. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
5. He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
6. Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
7. But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
8. Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
9. Anyway, I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.
10. I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said, "Baa", I said, "Moo", he said, "You go first.".
11. You see I'm against hunting; in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
12. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I said, "Do you get my drift?"
13. I went back down the local supermarket yesterday, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".
14. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
15. But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
16. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes; he's a catholic converter.
17. Now did you know all male tennis players are witches? I mean look at that Goran, even he's a witch.
18. So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"
19. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".