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  • Taser

    Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun and pawn shop that sparked
    my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking
    for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Needless to
    say, way too cool.

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
    two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
    disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
    pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get a blue arc
    of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is
    on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah.

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting
    little soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
    really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second,
    but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you
    already know, hell hath no fury like a cat ticked off. But, if I was
    going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
    mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
    wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
    would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
    supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
    three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
    ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
    would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
    loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "ain't no
    way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one
    side as to say, "don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second
    burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
    decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
    touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
    MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, $$$$ ON A STICK!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
    up, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then
    slammed the recliner over my head as a chaser.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
    in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
    to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
    meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
    thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing
    as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of
    that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
    about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative.

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn reading glasses were
    hanging miserably on the mantel of the fireplace.

    How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
    were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
    Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must
    have weighed 88 lbs. By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling
    like they withdrew into my body somewhere around my ribcage, are still
    waiting for the all clear signal to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I
    know how Tom Hanks' character felt when he had to go search for Private
    Ryan. I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe
    return. Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the
    socket.

    If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser to test it,
    take my advice - repeat after me...here, kitty kitty...

    Still in shock, Sparky
    _________________
    Nevillef

  • #2
    did you really do that?! you nut case
    Oh Nana, what's my name?

    Comment


    • #3
      that is an awesome tail it just had the better half and me in stitches, i think if cracked a few ribs
      cheers for that

      jj
      Surf.gone but not forgottendisco now gone aswell

      Comment


      • #4
        my poor friend,

        i can whole heartedly sympathise, whilst in canada i volunteered to get tasered by the police for charity....

        my boss had health and safety warnings all over his face and what not but hey i'll do it!! jeez them things really do knock you for 6!!

        i was "trialled" by just a short dab then they stood 10 foot away and shot be, i thought ow those barbs hurt, then i was warned not to stand up or i would get it again, so i tried.... got to one knee before i was twitching on the floor

        definatley decided to not upset coppers carrying these then!!!

        Comment


        • #5
          seen this...

          before. i'd hazard a guess he didnt do it himself, but is repeating the original thread. funny as f*** though. love to have seen it.

          where's youtube when u need it?
          Biggus Truckus..

          Comment


          • #6
            Cant stop laughing . That must be the funnyist thing ive read in a while.

            Comment


            • #7
              n they say im mad i feel sane now lol

              Comment

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