Tweet
After every flight, Quantas Airline pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never
let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas'
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)
by maintenance engineers. My brother worked for united airlines, and sent me this i an email.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident. .. Enjoy!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
P: The autopilot doesn't.
S: IT DOES NOW.
P: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
S: Fresh seat cushion on order.
P: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
S: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
P: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
S: Pilot removed from aircraft.
P: Pilot's clock inoperative.
S: Wound clock.
P: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
S: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.
P: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
S: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.
P: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
S: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
P: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
S: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.
P: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
S: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.
P: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
S: Ground checks OK.
P: 3 roaches in cabin.
S: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
P: Weather radar went ape!
S: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!
"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never
let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas'
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)
by maintenance engineers. My brother worked for united airlines, and sent me this i an email.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident. .. Enjoy!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
P: The autopilot doesn't.
S: IT DOES NOW.
P: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
S: Fresh seat cushion on order.
P: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
S: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
P: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
S: Pilot removed from aircraft.
P: Pilot's clock inoperative.
S: Wound clock.
P: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
S: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.
P: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
S: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.
P: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
S: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.
P: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
S: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.
P: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
S: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.
P: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
S: Ground checks OK.
P: 3 roaches in cabin.
S: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
P: Weather radar went ape!
S: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!
Comment