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Quantas Airlines
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers
(marked with an M).
(By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. M: Almost replaced left
inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. M: Auto-land not installed
on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. M: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. M: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. M: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. M: DME volume set to more believable
level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. M: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative. M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. M: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. M: Engine found on right wing after brief
search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right,
and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. M: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer. M: Took hammer away from midget
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers
(marked with an M).
(By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. M: Almost replaced left
inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. M: Auto-land not installed
on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. M: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. M: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. M: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. M: DME volume set to more believable
level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. M: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative. M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. M: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. M: Engine found on right wing after brief
search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right,
and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. M: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer. M: Took hammer away from midget
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