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Omnibus #2
Scottish Car Booter
A lonely man who kept a cayman in his bath escaped a jail sentence for
endangering the public yesterday after a judge decided that he was too
stupid to have realised the lethal nature of his pet.
Anthony Quinn, who tried to sell the 1.2 metre (4ft) South American
spectacled cayman from his car boot in a supermarket car park, was told he
was lucky not have had his arms or other limbs bitten off.
"If it was not for the utter stupidity of your actions then I would have to
think what happened was more sinister," said Sheriff Kenneth MacIver at
Edinburgh sheriff court.
"The whole ridiculous set of circumstances came about as a result of
complete and utter thoughtlessness on your part. The person most at risk
throughout was yourself."
The court heard that Quinn, 54, an unemployed father of two, had tried to
recreate a tiny patch of rainforest for the protected reptile in his home on
the 15th floor of a tower block in Leith. He rigged up a heating apparatus
which nearly electrocuted the cayman, and also had fantastical notions of
keeping it - 70 razor sharp teeth and all - in an inflatable paddling pool
in his living room as it grew towards its adult length of 2.4 metres.
The judge told him: "This is a very bizarre case and I have struggled to
come up with an appropriate sentence."
The court heard that Quinn had bought the cayman on the internet for £250
under the impression that it was a foot long and would make for interesting
company. His lawyer, Jim Stephenson, said the deal had been done at a
Scottish motorway service station with a man known as Billy, who refused to
take the reptile back when Quinn protested that it was four times bigger
than expected.
PC Gavin Ross described a sting operation that caught Quinn after he
readvertised the cayman for sale. He told the court that the reptile had
been in a box in the boot of Quinn's Vauxhall Cavalier, "hissing and
snapping away, and altogether not very happy".
Quinn, who had earlier pleaded guilty to keeping a dangerous wild animal,
was banned for five years from keeping animals, apart from two pet birds
which the sheriff acknowledged were important companions. The cayman has
been taken into care by the Scottish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
to Animals, whose staff have renamed it Janet Street-Porter.
============================== =====================
Because I often have to catch a pre-dawn bus to get to my job, I was
concerned that I wasn't always visible to bus drivers in the darkness.
So, I attached a reflector to my lunch box and put on a jogger's vest
that was bright orange and had small flashing lights.
The first morning I wore my new gear, the bus zoomed past but then
stopped.
I ran to catch up with it and, as I boarded, asked the driver, "Didn't
you see me?"
"I saw you," he replied, "but I thought you were a road sign."
**********
You Know You're an Extreme Redneck When...
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of
her kids.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much
gas is in it.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom offered day care.
You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen,
start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against
it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
============================== ================
Man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.
The bar tender says "What would you like Sir?"
The Man Says "I'll have a pint of beer"
He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?"
"I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich.
He looks at the cat "What will you have?"
Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!" .
"That will be £12.65" says the bartender.
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"What'll it be today" says the bartender
"Double whisky on the rocks" says the man
He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?" "I'll join you in a
double whisky" says the ostrich He looks at the cat "What will you have?"
"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!"
"That will be £21.95" says the bartender
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"Excuse me" the bartender says "I was just wondering why, no matter what the
price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?"
"Well" says the man "When my grandmother died she left me everything in her
house and inside there was a lamp so I rubbed it and out popped a genie.
It granted me three wishes so I asked that every time I wanted to buy
something I would have the exact change in my pocket"
"That's brilliant" says the bartender "You'll never ever run out of money.
What else did you ask for?"
"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy"
============================== =============
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to
perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few
things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in
your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the
shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly
be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells
, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash
with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful
healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123'
and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch
doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to
say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for
a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and
suddenly he gets a massive erection. His wife turns over and says "What did
you say '123' for?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Nursing Home
I've been getting a lot of old-age jokes lately. Wonder why that is!!
A local Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a
nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they put
him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, the family went to visit grandpa.
"Pa-Pa, how do you like it here?" asked the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is very courteous and respectful,"
"We all are so very happy for you. We were worried that this was not a good
place for you....."
Grandpa smiled, then said, "Let me tell you something about the way they
treat the residents here.
There's an old musician here; he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the
fiddle in over 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'The Maestro.'
There's an old physician here, too; he's 90 years old. He hasn't
practiced medicine for over 25 years, and everybody still calls him 'Doc.'
And for me, I haven't had sex for over 30 years, and they still call me 'The
!!!!ing Mexican.'"
A lonely man who kept a cayman in his bath escaped a jail sentence for
endangering the public yesterday after a judge decided that he was too
stupid to have realised the lethal nature of his pet.
Anthony Quinn, who tried to sell the 1.2 metre (4ft) South American
spectacled cayman from his car boot in a supermarket car park, was told he
was lucky not have had his arms or other limbs bitten off.
"If it was not for the utter stupidity of your actions then I would have to
think what happened was more sinister," said Sheriff Kenneth MacIver at
Edinburgh sheriff court.
"The whole ridiculous set of circumstances came about as a result of
complete and utter thoughtlessness on your part. The person most at risk
throughout was yourself."
The court heard that Quinn, 54, an unemployed father of two, had tried to
recreate a tiny patch of rainforest for the protected reptile in his home on
the 15th floor of a tower block in Leith. He rigged up a heating apparatus
which nearly electrocuted the cayman, and also had fantastical notions of
keeping it - 70 razor sharp teeth and all - in an inflatable paddling pool
in his living room as it grew towards its adult length of 2.4 metres.
The judge told him: "This is a very bizarre case and I have struggled to
come up with an appropriate sentence."
The court heard that Quinn had bought the cayman on the internet for £250
under the impression that it was a foot long and would make for interesting
company. His lawyer, Jim Stephenson, said the deal had been done at a
Scottish motorway service station with a man known as Billy, who refused to
take the reptile back when Quinn protested that it was four times bigger
than expected.
PC Gavin Ross described a sting operation that caught Quinn after he
readvertised the cayman for sale. He told the court that the reptile had
been in a box in the boot of Quinn's Vauxhall Cavalier, "hissing and
snapping away, and altogether not very happy".
Quinn, who had earlier pleaded guilty to keeping a dangerous wild animal,
was banned for five years from keeping animals, apart from two pet birds
which the sheriff acknowledged were important companions. The cayman has
been taken into care by the Scottish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
to Animals, whose staff have renamed it Janet Street-Porter.
============================== =====================
Because I often have to catch a pre-dawn bus to get to my job, I was
concerned that I wasn't always visible to bus drivers in the darkness.
So, I attached a reflector to my lunch box and put on a jogger's vest
that was bright orange and had small flashing lights.
The first morning I wore my new gear, the bus zoomed past but then
stopped.
I ran to catch up with it and, as I boarded, asked the driver, "Didn't
you see me?"
"I saw you," he replied, "but I thought you were a road sign."
**********
You Know You're an Extreme Redneck When...
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of
her kids.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much
gas is in it.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom offered day care.
You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen,
start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against
it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
============================== ================
Man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.
The bar tender says "What would you like Sir?"
The Man Says "I'll have a pint of beer"
He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?"
"I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich.
He looks at the cat "What will you have?"
Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!" .
"That will be £12.65" says the bartender.
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"What'll it be today" says the bartender
"Double whisky on the rocks" says the man
He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?" "I'll join you in a
double whisky" says the ostrich He looks at the cat "What will you have?"
"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!"
"That will be £21.95" says the bartender
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"Excuse me" the bartender says "I was just wondering why, no matter what the
price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?"
"Well" says the man "When my grandmother died she left me everything in her
house and inside there was a lamp so I rubbed it and out popped a genie.
It granted me three wishes so I asked that every time I wanted to buy
something I would have the exact change in my pocket"
"That's brilliant" says the bartender "You'll never ever run out of money.
What else did you ask for?"
"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy"
============================== =============
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to
perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few
things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in
your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the
shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly
be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells
, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash
with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful
healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123'
and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch
doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to
say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for
a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and
suddenly he gets a massive erection. His wife turns over and says "What did
you say '123' for?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Nursing Home
I've been getting a lot of old-age jokes lately. Wonder why that is!!
A local Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a
nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they put
him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, the family went to visit grandpa.
"Pa-Pa, how do you like it here?" asked the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is very courteous and respectful,"
"We all are so very happy for you. We were worried that this was not a good
place for you....."
Grandpa smiled, then said, "Let me tell you something about the way they
treat the residents here.
There's an old musician here; he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the
fiddle in over 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'The Maestro.'
There's an old physician here, too; he's 90 years old. He hasn't
practiced medicine for over 25 years, and everybody still calls him 'Doc.'
And for me, I haven't had sex for over 30 years, and they still call me 'The
!!!!ing Mexican.'"