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During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.
"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"
…………………………………………………………………………….
These two blokes walk into the gents at almost the same time, and it being a cosy kind of place have to stand next to each other. After a minute the first man notices something a bit strange.
There's little fountains going all over the place; on his shoes, on the other bloke's shoes, even one almost reaching over the dividing partition thing. After this Handel's water music job is done, he says to the second bloke; 'Hey mate, you need to get something done about that - it's not right, spraying all over everywhere.'
'But it's been like this for as long as I can remember,' says the second man, looking down rather ruefully, then doing up his fly.
'Take it from me that it's not right - we're both nearly soaked. Look, I know someone who can help you...you can call him in complete confidence' and he writes down a number on a bit of paper and gives it to the second man.
'Is he a specialist in these things?'
'No, he's a clarinet player, and he'll teach you how to hold it'
……………………………………………………………………………… ……………….
After having a couple of glasses of red wine, this couple decide they can't be bothered to cook, so she sends him off into town to try the new 'haute cuisine' takeaway. It's only about three quarters of a mile, so the man thinks it'd be more sensible to walk, promising he won't be long.
He gets down into town, and orders a pound of escargot, some nice garlic sauce and fresh french bread. While waiting, a mate of his comes in, and they decide it would be churlish not to have a pint of something to while away the time. The food arrives, and after chewing the fat for a few more minutes, they go their separate ways. On the way home, carrying the food, he sees an old business acquaintance going into the local......several pints later, he looks at his watch, and thinks 'hells teeth, the missus is going to have my gonads for doorstops.. I'd better crack on home'
He approaches the house, by now seriously concerned that he's going to get the ear bashing of all time.
Just as he crunches up the gravel, the bag splits open and all the snails fall onto the step....
His wife opens the door, livid, and he looks down at the snails and says
'Come on boys, we're almost there...'
…………………………………………………………….
What's blue and furry?
A mouse holding its breath..
……………………………………………………………
"Squawks" are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.
"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"
…………………………………………………………………………….
These two blokes walk into the gents at almost the same time, and it being a cosy kind of place have to stand next to each other. After a minute the first man notices something a bit strange.
There's little fountains going all over the place; on his shoes, on the other bloke's shoes, even one almost reaching over the dividing partition thing. After this Handel's water music job is done, he says to the second bloke; 'Hey mate, you need to get something done about that - it's not right, spraying all over everywhere.'
'But it's been like this for as long as I can remember,' says the second man, looking down rather ruefully, then doing up his fly.
'Take it from me that it's not right - we're both nearly soaked. Look, I know someone who can help you...you can call him in complete confidence' and he writes down a number on a bit of paper and gives it to the second man.
'Is he a specialist in these things?'
'No, he's a clarinet player, and he'll teach you how to hold it'
……………………………………………………………………………… ……………….
After having a couple of glasses of red wine, this couple decide they can't be bothered to cook, so she sends him off into town to try the new 'haute cuisine' takeaway. It's only about three quarters of a mile, so the man thinks it'd be more sensible to walk, promising he won't be long.
He gets down into town, and orders a pound of escargot, some nice garlic sauce and fresh french bread. While waiting, a mate of his comes in, and they decide it would be churlish not to have a pint of something to while away the time. The food arrives, and after chewing the fat for a few more minutes, they go their separate ways. On the way home, carrying the food, he sees an old business acquaintance going into the local......several pints later, he looks at his watch, and thinks 'hells teeth, the missus is going to have my gonads for doorstops.. I'd better crack on home'
He approaches the house, by now seriously concerned that he's going to get the ear bashing of all time.
Just as he crunches up the gravel, the bag splits open and all the snails fall onto the step....
His wife opens the door, livid, and he looks down at the snails and says
'Come on boys, we're almost there...'
…………………………………………………………….
What's blue and furry?
A mouse holding its breath..
……………………………………………………………
"Squawks" are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.
(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
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