weekend humour

[Draig]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter.
"I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"

--------------------------------------------------------------


A couple visited a sex clinic to complain that their sex life had become a bore. Each night, the man would arrive home. His wife would prepare supper. After supper, they'd watch two hours of television. Immediately afterwards, they would go to bed. From that point on, every move was routine.
"No wonder," the sex therapist said. "You've made sex monotonous. Stop living on a schedule. Get into sex whenever you feel like it. Don't wait until bedtime each night to do it. Do it whenever you get into the mood."

The couple agreed to try the advice. They returned the following week.

"How did things work out?" the sex therapist asked.

The man and his wife were beaming. "It worked! It worked great!!!"

"Tell me about it," said the therapist.

"Well, two nights after we saw you last, we were eating supper when I noticed that although it was only seven o'clock, I had this huge erection that was unstoppable. Sweetie pie here was staring at it with longing eyes. So I didn't wait for any shower or any news broadcast. Instead, I reached out, ripped off her blouse and bra. Then I tore off her panties. I flung her right onto the table, spilling all the wine and soup in the process. Then I unzipped and we had sex like we've never had it before!"

"That's wonderful!" said the sex therapist. "I told you it would work if you did it when the spirit moved you!"

"Only one thing," said the man a little sadly. "They're not ever going to let us go back to that restaurant."

--------------------------------------------------------------

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of
the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill
you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and
Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear,
and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his
back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What
is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said

"BRING POSSE!"



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And we just got to have a blonde joke in here - so here it is


A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, decide to have a breast stroke swimming race across the channel to france.

They all set off from dover at 06:00.

The redhead wins the race in a time of 8hrs 14mins, second is the brunette in 10 hrs 30mins...

18 hrs later the blonde has still not finished.
And the others (with the help of the coastguard) are re-tracing the route back to dover to look for her.

Eventually they find the blonde girl. Still floating about in Dover harbour... as she climbs into the rescue boat, shivering, she says - I don't want to be a sneak or anything, but, I'm sure those two were using their arms!

[rockey]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" ''
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The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

[rockey]

LONDON (Reuters) Yesterday scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a two-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:
1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive a car
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. Refused to apologise when obviously wrong
No further testing is considered necessary.

[rockey]

Police are warning all clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman

A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them

Typically, a female needs only to persuade a male to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship”. In extreme cases, this can lead to a more serious scam called "marriage". Apparently, males are much more susceptible to this particular scam after "beer" is administered in large quantities and the promise of sex on a regular basis is made by the predatory female

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know

However, if you, or any males you know, fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded gentlemen

For a support group nearest to you, just look up "Golf Courses", “Rugby" and "Cricket" Clubs in Yellow Pages.

[Draig]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun
contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the
puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did .
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father. She stands next to
the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets hishaircut. The
barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna
get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
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Scientist today exhumed beethoven from his grave,
when they opened the coffin , they were shocked to see him playing the
piano backwards, when asked what this meant a spokesman said he was
de-composing .

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Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day.
The agent goes "Sean, I've got you a job, starts
tomorrow, early.
You'll have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow
and says , "Tennish? but I
don't even have a racket."

[rockey]

If men were agony aunts....................


Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved?
If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy
him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES, before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him,
such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

[rockey]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off cloths and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to light, darks, whites, man made or natural.

Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out belly, complain and whine about getting fat.

Get in shower.

Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loincloth, wide loofer and pumice stone. Wash hair with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins, because you're worth it.

Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes, until red raw.

Wash rest of body entirely in ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off, taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet causing the loss of water pressure and turning it red hot.

Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with suitable mould remover or tilex.

Get out of shower and dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

Wrap hair in an absorbent second towel. Check entire body for any remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails or tweezers if you can find any.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and rush to bedroom to spend an hour and half getting ready.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the bed and leave in a pile on the floor.

Walk naked to the bathroom, if wife seen, shake knob at her and shout "whey hey".

Look in mirror suck in gut and admire your manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch ******** and smell fingers for one last whiff.

Get in shower. Don't bother to look for a wash cloth because you don't need it. Wash face and armpits.

Laugh at loud farts sound in the shower. Wash ******** and surrounding area. Wash arse remembering to leave some fetching hair on soap. Shampoo hair but don't condition. Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo; pull back the curtain to see self in mirror.

**** in the shower. Rinse off and get out, fail to notice water on the floor because the curtain has been outside of the shower for the whole time. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire the size of your knob again.

Leave shower curtains opened and wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around the waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel grab knob and shout "yeah baby" whilst thrusting pelvis towards her. Put on yesterday's clothes.

[rockey]

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts,

“Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Colin says.

“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yes,” Colin says, “I know him, let's fly out to Washington.” And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,

“Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Colin. “My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time.”

So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, “This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye amongst all these people.

Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack.

He is lying surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

“Who the ****'s that on the balcony with Colin?”

[rockey]

BEER SYMPTOMS


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind is unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Thats it for tonite
John