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Spotted this tonight on www.northwest4x4.co.uk . Hope it amuses....Real uses of tools
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In this cold weather when we may have trouble getting to our workshops and then finding it too cold to work there anyway, it's time to ponder on the REAL USES OF TOOLS.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully put in the corner out of harm’s way where nothing could get at it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
ANGLE GRINDER: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads, and used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
TROLLEY JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the waste bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening cans. Can also be used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and for butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 10p part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Also works particularly well on things such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, magazines, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
####### TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling '#######!' at the top of your voice. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Hope you found this informative.
Cheers.....Mick,
______________________________ __________
In this cold weather when we may have trouble getting to our workshops and then finding it too cold to work there anyway, it's time to ponder on the REAL USES OF TOOLS.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully put in the corner out of harm’s way where nothing could get at it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
ANGLE GRINDER: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads, and used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
TROLLEY JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the waste bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening cans. Can also be used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and for butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 10p part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Also works particularly well on things such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, magazines, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
####### TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling '#######!' at the top of your voice. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Hope you found this informative.
Cheers.....Mick,
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