Abusive relationships.

[RodLeach]

*admin if this gets out of hand or too depressing feel free to remove it!*

Ive had a sh!t few nights this week, a long term friend of mine who we'll just call "claire" has been in a total mess.

basically her last bf was abusive to her, raped her, beat her up etc. Beyond any normal guy. Now when i first found out about all this there relationship had all but ended.... a few weeks go past an then he starts calling her randomly an hanging around outside her house waiting for her....

months go past an finally he gives up, he moves on! its all over, or so i thought.

She finds this new guy, shes over the moon! Share the same interests etc. Seems like a good match, A few months into there relationship he starts becoming abusive! (is there a pattern here?) he also rapes her!!! (getting unreal now!) an despite serious medical conditions one night forces her to sleep in the garage after an arguement... worse of all is that she constantly goes back to him!!

That i struggle to believe! Everything she tells me just makes me want to grind his face off with a bfg! I really cant hack it! Disrespect is the only reason i will lash out! The only reason i have lashed out!

Now i only really get involved when shes admitted to hospital, I turn up an start speaking with her an one of her mates who i'll call "jamie" basically i cant believe this boyfriend no. 2 hasnt come to see her!! she nearly died on the street an he just leaves to go an visit one of his mates in london?!

Ive always been an 'agony uncle' to my mates! So im cool with them talking about there problems! After a while 'claire' an 'jamie' start getting close! 'jamie' is one of the most decent blokes ive ever met! he isnt cabable of doing the evil things bf no. 1 & 2 have been.

After a while they get together.... then out of nowhere 'claire' has a change of heart!! all of a sudden i got 'jamie' talking about killing himself!! * (get onto that in a minute) an then the next day 'claire' is talking about killing herself!! after spending too long persuading them its a bad idea!!... she finally confesses she loves bf. no 2! Shes going to get back with... she will be raped within the week!! an probably dead inside of a few years!


What the hell drives people to do this?!! It cuts me up so bad knowing that were all so young an they are talking of ending there lives?! *
Love is something that drives the best of us to find the worst of ourselves but it also brings out the best in us. The happiest times in most peoples lives are when they are in 'love' whichever form it may take.

I wish i could understand!



* Right, Im 21, when i was 20 i had a testicular cancer scare!! every blokes worse damned nightmare!! goin to the doc's about your balls is hardly going to be bliss! it was about a week before i finally plucked up the courage to talk to my dad about it! I was given the all clear.... an some cream! But still.... The idea that you have XX amount of time to live is frankly one i hated feeling!! .... most of this jack the truck up crap is so i know that if i get killed tomorrow by choking on a pie or something!! at least i did something cool!!



Thanks for reading if you got that far guys!! i truly appreciate this family we have here! (longest post ever award??)

[BUSHWHACKER]

Christ dude!!!!

The old saying, 'Familiarity breeds contempt' seems to prevail here.


Seen it all before back in the eighties when I was an 'agony uncle' one of my best mates was knocking his girlfriend around and none of us knew about it untill the relationship ended a couple of years later and the girlfriend let it all out one day.
Some relationships stay together regardless of what goes on in them because the people involved are too scared or naive to move on and so become used to it.

This 'Claire' you speak of needs to move away from her surroundings (the past) and make a new life for herself in another part of the country. I'm not saying run away from the problems, just start afresh amongst new people and places and build a new life for herself, it's the only way to get her self esteem back and appreciate life again.

You need to step back too, I know it's hard, but you'll only end up getting hurt if you try and sort it yourself.




p.s. Take all the pi$$taking with a pinch of salt, it's only jealousy.
Live for today and worry about 'tomorrow' when it gets here.


Blimey, did I really just type all that?

[plumb bob]

Christ dude!!!!

The old saying, 'Familiarity breeds contempt' seems to prevail here.


Seen it all before back in the eighties when I was an 'agony uncle' one of my best mates was knocking his girlfriend around and none of us knew about it untill the relationship ended a couple of years later and the girlfriend let it all out one day.
Some relationships stay together regardless of what goes on in them because the people involved are too scared or naive to move on and so become used to it.

This 'Claire' you speak of needs to move away from her surroundings (the past) and make a new life for herself in another part of the country. I'm not saying run away from the problems, just start afresh amongst new people and places and build a new life for herself, it's the only way to get her self esteem back and appreciate life again.

You need to step back too, I know it's hard, but you'll only end up getting hurt if you try and sort it yourself.




p.s. Take all the pi$$taking with a pinch of salt, it's only jealousy.
Live for today and worry about 'tomorrow' when it gets here.


Blimey, did I really just type all that?

Got to agree to a certain extent, I think some people are drawn to the pchsyco type, and no matter how much help they get, they will always go back to the abusive type.
Some men are attracted to similar distructive personalities in women.
There's not much you can do about it , unfortunately, it's harsh, but you are better off getting well away from it.
So speaks the voice of experience, I don't expect you to take the advice, because your friend "needs" you, but in 10 or 20 years, you'll only remember how badly it f**ked you up.

Get out now, look after no 1, so speaketh the voice of experience.

[RodLeach]

Thanks for your comments guys!

An i do agree with you both. Ive taken steps to stop 'claire' from contacting me. I can handle little problems, things that get people down. I can even put a new perspective on bad times. Ive recently been hunted down by someone in newcastle who used to know me because they wanted my advice!

I cant help 'claire' anymore then she can help herself!! She needs professional help. Its an awful feeling to walk away from someone when they are in such a bad state but i will just become a 'controlling' person that she will end up resenting an in time i'll probably end up hating her for putting such a burden on my shoulders!

feels good to be able to talk about this! Thanks guys!

[plumb bob]

Thanks for your comments guys!

An i do agree with you both. Ive taken steps to stop 'claire' from contacting me. I can handle little problems, things that get people down. I can even put a new perspective on bad times. Ive recently been hunted down by someone in newcastle who used to know me because they wanted my advice!

I cant help 'claire' anymore then she can help herself!! She needs professional help. Its an awful feeling to walk away from someone when they are in such a bad state but i will just become a 'controlling' person that she will end up resenting an in time i'll probably end up hating her for putting such a burden on my shoulders!

feels good to be able to talk about this! Thanks guys!

It's like any "addiction" be it drugs, alchohol or a person, once you're addicticted, you'll say/do anything to keep it, regardless of how much it hurts other people.
Your friend "clair" is the same, but with a certain personality type that she's addicted to , regardless of how they treat her and those around her that love her, and show her love , all those people are scorned.
It's a viscious circle, and there are no winners.
I don't know the answer, all I can say is stay away from her, or she'll drag you down too, some people are emotional "sponges" and will drain you of emotion, RUN AWAY!

[Albannach]

An ex GF of mine is in a relationship like Claire's. I've spoken to her a few times about it. She genuinely hates the relationship, but stayed with him for a variety of excuses; never a reason, always an excuse.

She's had umpteen chances to leave him, but won't. It's a fear thing with her. She's scared of being alone and she's scared of what he will do to her if she goes.

She lives for the odd show of effection, usually the day after he's beaten her up. He can be a complete ba$tard for weeks, but if he says sorry and does the dishes on a Sunday, she forgives him.

It's a hard thing to do mate, but if she won't walk away, you have to.

[charvell]

Having read your post mate, i have a earge to find the boyfriend and perhaps give him a taste of his own medicine and bash the crap out of him.... but, that wont change the young ladies mind about going back to him.
You have done everything and are a hell of a mate, cos i think i would have gone and done him....Bushy is spot on.

[darkdezigns]

rod.......ive been in this very situation,and all i can say is,it doesn't matter wot u say or do,she will always go for an aresehole,sum women are just like this,as you grow older you will see it time and time again,think back to the playground....the nice girls always goin with the bullies?remember?same thing mate,i had same thing happen to me a few years ago,unfortunately its one of the few things that really winds me up,without going into detail,i had a "chat"with her boyfriend,and all was fine then weeks later once he was out of hospital she was back with him,honestly just don't get involved,it's juat not worth it!

[Philip]

Having many years ago spent 4 years going to an analyst, the most likely reason for her being attracted to abusive relationships is self image, conscientiously or otherwise. It is a form of punishing yourself. Until she seeks help, there is nothing you can do as in the end even you will be blamed.
As mentioned it is a type of addiction. The one thing i learned, is that the best advice is NO advice as at the end of the day, although she might listen to it, it will not stop her repeating the same behaviour again. She needs professional help.
By the way, i went to see an analyst out of curiosity, not any major problems. Really just a bit fed up with my life going around in circles, like spoiling good relationships etc.
Hope it works out
Philip

[Bibs]

I agree with Philip - there is nothing you can do or say to help her apart from leave her to deal with it on her own - without your shoulder to cry on as a release and emotinal support she may come to her senses. Hopefully she will realise before its too late. Addiction can rear its ugly head in many ways and only the person with it, can fight it. The hardest part is walking away but in the long run it's the best thing you can do for boh of you. Glad you're clear btw.

[da SLUG man]

i'm thinking i might be a bit more forceful with Mrs Slug tonight!!... if she doesn't do the dishes, i'm not making the cofee!!


used to have a mate who had a violent girlfriend... in the end, he snapped and beat her up... got prison and now can't return to the area because everyone knows what he went in for.

[darkdezigns]

i'm thinking i might be a bit more forceful with Mrs Slug tonight!!... if she doesn't do the dishes, i'm not making the cofee!!


used to have a mate who had a violent girlfriend... in the end, he snapped and beat her up... got prison and now can't return to the area because everyone knows what he went in for.

SORRY BUT RIGHTLY SO,NO EXCUSE

[Bibs]

Not actually sure which paragraph you are referring too......

[pirate-storm]

SORRY BUT RIGHTLY SO,NO EXCUSE

this will prob stir some sh1t but its a thought!!!!

although i wouldnt hit a woman it depends on the circumstance dont it,
if your a woman in a relationship like that you dont deserve it. if on the other hand your a bloke who got a abusive partner then you hit back your in the wrong what if the bloke was getting a right hiding n was in fear of his life would you still say ''SORRY BUT RIGHTLY SO,NO EXCUSE''
im sorry but if i was in a abusive relationship n got attacked n in fear of my life i would defend myself no matter what.then on the other hand i wouldnt stay in that situation for long.
if you was in a war zone n a young kid lift a rifle to shoot you would you let him shoot you or would you shoot him i know what i would do i would shoot him.
today there seems to be a law for one n a different law for another.
ok i dont beleive in violence n those who have met me know im just a big kid n wouldnt harm a fly but it makes you think dont it for some of the women today can fight like or worse than a man.
n before any of you think im a right bar steward i will say this i live in a relationship where i love my wife n my family n my wife as bad flash backs now n then for being abused n im the one who gets the beating but do i hit back no why ? because i understand the circumstance. some of you might have the same problem as myself but dont want to admit it then i know how you guys feel i dont n wouldnt hit back but like i say it down to the individuals circumstance. but i will repeat again a woman in a relationship thats abusive dont deserve it but then neither do blokes.

[Bibs]

this will prob stir some sh1t but its a thought!!!!

although i wouldnt hit a woman it depends on the circumstance dont it,
if your a woman in a relationship like that you dont deserve it. if on the other hand your a bloke who got a abusive partner then you hit back your in the wrong what if the bloke was getting a right hiding n was in fear of his life would you still say ''SORRY BUT RIGHTLY SO,NO EXCUSE''
im sorry but if i was in a abusive relationship n got attacked n in fear of my life i would defend myself no matter what.then on the other hand i wouldnt stay in that situation for long.
if you was in a war zone n a young kid lift a rifle to shoot you would you let him shoot you or would you shoot him i know what i would do i would shoot him.
today there seems to be a law for one n a different law for another.
ok i dont beleive in violence n those who have met me know im just a big kid n wouldnt harm a fly but it makes you think dont it for some of the women today can fight like or worse than a man.
n before any of you think im a right bar steward i will say this i live in a relationship where i love my wife n my family n my wife as bad flash backs now n then for being abused n im the one who gets the beating but do i hit back no why ? because i understand the circumstance. some of you might have the same problem as myself but dont want to admit it then i know how you guys feel i dont n wouldnt hit back but like i say it down to the individuals circumstance. but i will repeat again a woman in a relationship thats abusive dont deserve it but then neither do blokes.

Well said - should not be about women or men but the abused.