It's great to be a bloke

[Purpledoris]

Keep 'em comin' guys - they're hilarious!!

[ant]

Why is it,when I don't hear my wife, I'm deaf, but when she doesn,t hear me, I didn't speak loud enough?

[Draig]

ALL women can benefit from the wisdom of the Navajo:

A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitch-hiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while nods several times and says, "Good trade."

-------------

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's the matter?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten scum," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids."

--------------------
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of year 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the janitor would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.
--------------------------------

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

----------------------------
An Italian mother comes to visit her son Alfredo for dinner...who lives with a girl roommate, Anita.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Alfredo's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Alfredo and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Alfredo volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Anita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Anita came to Alfredo saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the sugar bowl. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Alfredo

Several days later, Alfredo received an email from his Mother, which read:

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Anita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Anita. But the fact remains that if she WERE in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't lie to your mother...especially if she is
Italian.

-------------------------
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

-------------------------
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point, they decided to try 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the postman was dead on the porch.

[Draig]

last one I promise. have a good weekend you-all




My wife is always after a bargain.

She's always coming home from shopping with something that's been marked down.

Last week she came home with an escalator.

[Cmar]

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied,
"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to
let her keep him.


If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[Dolph]

50 things women cant do:

1. Know anything about a car except its colour.

2. Understand a film plot.

3. Go 24 hours without sending a text message.

4. Lift.

5. Throw.

6. Run.

7. Park.

8. Fart.

9. Read a map.

10. Rob a bank.

11. Resist IKEA.

12. Sit still.

13. Tell a joke.

14. Play pool.

15. Pay for dinner.

16. Eat a kebab whilst walking.

17. Pee out of a train window.

18. Argue without shouting.

19. Get told off without crying.

20. Understand fruit machines.

21. Walk past a shoe shop.

22. Make a decent bacon sandwich.

23. Not comment on a strangers clothes.

24. Use small amounts of toilet paper.

25. Let you sleep with a hangover.

26. Drink a pint gracefully.

27. Get a round in.

28. Throw a punch.

29. Do magic.

30. Like your friends.

31. Enjoy porn.

32. Eat a really hot curry.

33. Get to the point.

34. Buy plain envelopes.

35. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet.

36. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold".

37. Go shopping without telephoning 20 mates.

38. Avoid credit card debt.

39. Dive into a pool.

40. Assemble furniture.

41. Roll a bogey between finger and thumb.

42. Set a video recorder.

43. Not try and change you.

44. Watch a war film.

45. Understand why flirting results in violence.

46. Spend a day by themselves.

48. Buy a purse that fits in their pocket.

49. Choose a video quickly.

50. Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above.

[kitesurf_phil]

It's great being a bloke because....................... .............it's not mandatory to get all enthusiastic about the latest dual action toilet cleaner!

[Purpledoris]

Sweet revenge

Whats yellow and looks good on a bloke?

A JCB


How do you stop a man from drowning?

Take your foot off his dumb head


How many guys does it take to change the loo roll?

We don't know cause its never happened.

I complained to my hubby that he didn't pull his weight around the house. He replied "I don't know what you mean - I washed up twice". Upon asking him when exactly he "washed up twice" he replied "once in 1993 and once in 1999!!!!!!"

Wahts the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMT??

You can reason with a terrorrist!

And why DO women get PMT?

We just bloody do alright

Another joke I really like - not in the same thread but funny anyway:


Did you hear about the sarcastic washing machine?

It takes the pi$$ out of your undies

Anyway, can't tell you my really fave joke cause people have been known to turn green but I can tell you it involves tramps and cocktail sticks.........use your imagination.


Lou

[Cmar]

A man walks into Boots with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by
the
condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men
use
them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in
health
class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a packet of 3 and asks, "Why
are
there 3 in this packet."

The Dad replies, "Well, those are for high school boys. One for Friday,
one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are
these
for?"

"Those are for college boys," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO
for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaims the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for
January,
one for February, one for March. . ."

[Cmar]

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
>>The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
>>In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
>>In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
>>After fifty, they are like onions."
>>Onions?"
>>Yes, see them and they make you cry."
>>
>>A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
>>The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.
>>In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.
>>In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch,flexible but reliable.
>>After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
>>A Christmas tree?"
>>Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only

[Rob]

uhm...

[Silver Surfer]

Here's one for PupleDoris to enjoy. Sorry it's in American.
John



I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify
any shopping spree.



Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.

I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.

Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!

Flowers are ok! ay,
But jewelry's best.
Look at me you idiot...
Not at my chest????

I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.

DON'T call me a GIRL ,
a BABE or a CHICK .

I am a WOMAN.

Get it?, you DICK!?!

[Purpledoris]

Thank you - but you forgot

"I can get my own beer" cause by the time my other half gets to the bar he's forgotten what I'm drinking!!

I once "dressed up" to spend the night in our local and when he went to the the bar i said I'd have something girly for a change. He got me a pint of Spitfire.'Nuff said.

[Draig]

ok - i'm back from my weekend working away - is it safe for me to come back on here?????