been a while

[bobo]

Go and do a road trip somewhere scenic in the Surf for a few days!

Welcome back, your life has to go on........

I like the idea of doing a road trip but what nags me is I should be spending my time dealing with my responsibilities but I just can't motivate myself

thank you for your encouraging words
Bobo

[Bogus]

Anything I say is going to sound hard and I really dont mean to be, but everyone grieves the loss of a loved one in their own way, only in your case this process seems to be inordinately long and it seems that youve gone beyond grieving for your Mum and are now simply feeling sorry for yourself. I dont know if you have kids, but when your turn comes do you relish the thought of them grieving for such a length of time. Im sure your mother would be devastated to see the effect of her passing on you. Easier said than done I know, but I think you need to make some effort into doing the things you did before and starting to live your life again. When you think of your Mum you need to turn your thoughts to the good times, the happy times and enjoy the memories. What has happened is natural. parents die before their children and thats the way EVERY parent wants it to be, your Mum included. I know parents who have lost children, it doesnt get much worse than that, yet they continue to live full happy lives. They also think of that child daily, several times daily, but somehow they make those thoughts good ones, happy ones, a source of enjoyment. You have grieved enough and you need to get yourself back in the world again. You need to stop the self analysis, you need to see that what has happened is natural. You may think things are bad for you, and indeed they may be bad, but you also need to see how blessed you are. There is always someone worse off than you and you dont need to look far usually to see them. It sounds to me like you had your Mum around for a long time, you need to be grateful for that. It sounds like you had a good relationship, you need to be grateful for that too.
Sounds to me like you have too many positives to think about. You have a wife? Talk to her, better than any counselling.

Bogus

[marky]

I like the idea of doing a road trip but what nags me is I should be spending my time dealing with my responsibilities but I just can't motivate myself

thank you for your encouraging words
Bobo

Have you got a family Wife & Kids?

[bobo]

You need to offload all that is bothering you! This takes time but is worth it in the end, I saw a MEDIUM as i had other issues as i never had the chance to say Goodbye to my mum as she had a sudden stroke which took her away from me & i never got the chance to say I LOVE YOU. I have watched my Father go down hill for 5 years & he turned to the bottle. In this case i had to see life from his eyes. He sadly passed away last March & its been hard but with the help of HELEN my Counsellor life is starting to come back to me.
Its not easy but you have to set yourself a goal & focus on getting yourself together again. Family is precious & so are good friends that understand & you have a lot of friends who have been there so if times are bad we are there for you.

Its good to know I have good friends like you who have been through it and understand and take the time to offer help and advice that is invaluable
thank you so much
Bobo

[bobo]

As everybody has said their piece & they are all right in their own way but we all feel & handle things in our own way. So now is the time to think Positive & plan where you are going on your lifes journey.
If you are down & you need some Inspiration pop on the Forum & we will be their for you.

I have appreciated everyones perspective as it has made realise I am not going mad and the grieving process is something that everyone has to deal with and the different perspectives provide inspiration. it's good to know you guys are there for me
Thank you
Bobo

[marky]

I'm glad that you understand that some of us have been through a simliar
Journey. Lifes hard sometimes others get on with it & some of us don't.
You have a bit to go yet, You need to see a light at the end of the tunnel then focus on it. Try & be positive as you are not alone

[bobo]

[QUOTE=Bogus]Anything I say is going to sound hard and I really dont mean to be, but everyone grieves the loss of a loved one in their own way, only in your case this process seems to be inordinately long and it seems that youve gone beyond grieving for your Mum and are now simply feeling sorry for yourself. I dont know if you have kids, but when your turn comes do you relish the thought of them grieving for such a length of time. Im sure your mother would be devastated to see the effect of her passing on you. Easier said than done I know, but I think you need to make some effort into doing the things you did before and starting to live your life again. When you think of your Mum you need to turn your thoughts to the good times, the happy times and enjoy the memories. What has happened is natural. parents die before their children and thats the way EVERY parent wants it to be, your Mum included. I know parents who have lost children, it doesnt get much worse than that, yet they continue to live full happy lives. They also think of that child daily, several times daily, but somehow they make those thoughts good ones, happy ones, a source of enjoyment. You have grieved enough and you need to get yourself back in the world again. You need to stop the self analysis, you need to see that what has happened is natural. You may think things are bad for you, and indeed they may be bad, but you also need to see how blessed you are. There is always someone worse off than you and you dont need to look far usually to see them. It sounds to me like you had your Mum around for a long time, you need to be grateful for that. It sounds like you had a good relationship, you need to be grateful for that too.
Sounds to me like you have too many positives to think about. You have a wife? Talk to her, better than any counselling.

it doesn't sound like what you say is hard at all. you are right in all you say. in fact i don't understand why I am feeling sorry for myself, what you say makes sense. I need to find the way to change the way I feel and as yet i haven't done that. I talk to my wife who has had to put up with this but doesn't complain, it makes me more determined to find a way to deal with this so I go for counselling I do need to get myself back in the world and I do have many positives to think about. I know what I need to do, I don't know how to
.
thank you for your help it is really appreciated
Bobo

[bobo]

I'm glad that you understand that some of us have been through a simliar
Journey. Lifes hard sometimes others get on with it & some of us don't.
You have a bit to go yet, You need to see a light at the end of the tunnel then focus on it. Try & be positive as you are not alone

I'm glad I managed to post here as all the replys have really helped and I have learnt a great deal
I am going to focus on all the help that has been posted to help me be positive and the light at the end of the tunnel might be I am not alone in this.
thank you for helping me see this
Bobo

[bobo]

Don't mention it mate.

Try and get hold of yesterdays Daily Mail. It has a double page spread about the after life. I have yet to read the whole artical but it was saying that it is well known in the Nursing field that people who die sometimes say they have had a visit from a dead relative just before they themselves die.

When the person in hospital tells the Nurses of what has happened, the Nurses tell each other to get ready for that persons death. Sure enough, shortly after they die.

I can't say there is an after life or not. But the way I look at it is that we have all been dead at some point, because before we were born we were dead, we didn't exist. Then one day we were born and we live our lives. BUT, what happened before we were born? When we are alive we can't be anyone else, so maybe when we die that's it, finished. But that then sets us free to be born again as a totally different person????

It's very complicated and I think maybe you have spent too long trying to understand it.

Look at the Universe. It was born from the big bang, but what caused the big bang in the first place? How long was there nothing before the big bang? How far out does space go? What is beyond?

All these questions just cannot be answered. I think the same goes for if there is life after death. But as we are made of matter that comes from dead stars, who knows what can be possible??

I had no luck getting saturdays Mail but I will try for more info online I'm sure I can find out as there is lots of stuff its just finding the right thing for me
thanks for your take on the universe I have pondered the same things myself and as you say so much is unanswerable. most "experts" have only got theories because we have limited understanding
I never thought of us as coming from matter that comes from dead stars, it certainly makes anything possible as you say.
I need to overide / replace the negative thoughts and feelings with stuff like that so thank you for helping me find a different perspective
Bobo

[Bogus]

What you need to do is to get up and get on with things, If you mooch around doing nothing except all this introverted thinking routine, youre just depressing yourself. Go decorate the lounge, go and lift the Surf, polish it if you must, fit enough rof lights to illuminate wembley. ( See Ian619s posts) start doing things that get your mind working on them, go cook a gourmet meal for the wife, get the garden tidied, do all of those things, your mind will soon be so full of "real" stuff all this inward looking, rationalising the origins of the universe nonsense will go. Leave that to Steven Hawking. You dont need to "get a life" as such, but you need to start doing something with the one you have.

Bogus

[M35A2]

I think the problem is that you have spent too long thinking about it.

At the end of the day your mums gone. No amount of grief will bring her back. She wouldn't want to see you ill would she?

I think you need to start something totally different. Start a new hobby, get busy. You have had too much time to ponder on stuff? Is going back to where your mum comes from a good idea?? That will just prolong the agony.

You have to think of your wife, your kids (if you have any) and most importantly, yourself.

Get busy, get a new hobby, and think of the here and now.

Chin up dude!!

[Apache]

I know it's all well meaning, and I would never expect anything else from you lot , but there are times and situations where all of the 'pull yourself togethers' and all of the 'get on with lifes' in the world will not help.

There are situations any one of us can find ourselves in when it is literally impossible for us to 'get on with it'. Sometimes, we simply dont have the strength.

Sometimes, professional help is needed. Far be it from me to suggest Bobo needs professional help right now as I'm no expert, but I do have experience. I can remember being totally p*ssed off when the only answers I was getting were 'pull yourself together man'! There was once a stigma attached to depression, but it is no longer so. I would say to ANYONE who feels as low as I suspect Bobo does right now - dont discount your GPs advice.

I'm sane now see, and I have a certificate to prove it!

[MattF]

I can remember being totally p*ssed off when the only answers I was getting were 'pull yourself together man'!

You'd have been trying to kill me then if I'd given you advice. The above is rather subtle, to be honest.

[bobo]

I have to thank you all for all the replies, the different perspectives are what I need and they all have valid info that I can use.
it is true to say I have spent too much time pondering things on my own and that hasn't been helping.
I am glad I posted here because of the responses from all of you I am going to work at changing the way I am dealing with it.
without all the input from you all I wouldn't have found any ways to tackle this on my own.
also knowing I can get support and advice if I need it is huge
Thank You all and I hope to be able to repay you in the future
Bobo

[marky]

We are glad that you have taken our ADVICE Get better soon mate.