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The 12 days of christmas....
December 14th
My Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman had for me a partridge in a pear
tree. What a delightful gift. Thank you for the wonderful thought.
With deep love and affection always.
Your loving Agnes.
December 15th
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift - Two turtle doves. I am
delighted they are adorable.
All my love,
Your Agnes.
December 16th
Dear John,
Oh, how extravagant you really are. I really must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity Three French Hens. I insist you are too kind.
Love Agnes.
December 17th
Dear John,
Yet another present, this time Four Calling Birds. You really are spoiling
me.
Love Agnes.
December 18th
Dearest John,
What a surprise, today the postman brought me Five Gold Rings, one for every
finger. You really are impossible, but I love you. Frankly all those birds
were beginning to get on my nerves with their constant squawking.
Your ever loving Agnes.
December 19th
Dear John,
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six ****** great
Geese
laying eggs all over the front doorstep. So, we're back with the birds again
are we?
Where on Earth do you suppose I can keep them all? The neighbours say they
can smell them and I can't sleep for the noise. Please stop.
Cordially Agnes.
December 20th
John,
What is it with these sodding birds? Now I get Swans a-swimming. Is this
some sort of goddam joke or what? The house is full of bird **** and, as for
the racket they make, I'm becoming a nervous wreck. So - it's not funny,
stop sending ****** birds.
Agnes.
December 21st
OK Buster
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight Maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds, now I have eight cows
****ting all over the house and mooing all night. Lay off smartass.
Agnes.
December 22nd
Dear ****head,
What are you? Some kind of nut? Now I have Nine Pipers playing and Christ do
they play. When they aren't playing their sodding pipes they're chasing the
maids through the cow ****. The cows keep mooing and treading all over the
****** birds and the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
You'll get yours.
Agnes.
December 23rd
You Rotten *******,
Now we have ten ladies dancing! How on Earth anyone can call these whores
'Ladies' is beyond me. They are balling the pipers all night long, the cows
can't sleep and have diarrhoea. My living room is a river of **** and the
landlord's just declared the building unfit.
**** off.
Agnes.
December 24th
Listen Twohead,
With eleven lords a-leaping all over the maids, the ladies and me we may
never walk again. The pipers are fighting the lords for the crumpet and are
committing buggery with the cows. All the birds are dead and rotting amongst
the cow ****
after being tramped during the orgy, but not before they had eaten my gold
rings. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious ****house.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes.
Grabbit & Runn
SOLICITORS
25th December
Dear Sir,
We are in receipt of your gift of the 25th inst. of Twelve Fiddlers fiddling
with themselves. We understand that this is merely the latest infliction in
your sustained persecution of our client, Miss Agnes Fullbody, who is at
present residing in the Happy Hours Nursing Home.
We are under instructions to charge you with the destruction of our client's
home,
sanitation and genitalia. You are warned not to attempt to contact Miss
Fullbody
who has given the Nursing Home staff instructions to shoot you on sight. A
warrant has been issued for your arrest and should be served after you
receive this letter.
Yours faithfully,
Grabbit & Runn
P.S. Merry Christmas
December 14th
My Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman had for me a partridge in a pear
tree. What a delightful gift. Thank you for the wonderful thought.
With deep love and affection always.
Your loving Agnes.
December 15th
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift - Two turtle doves. I am
delighted they are adorable.
All my love,
Your Agnes.
December 16th
Dear John,
Oh, how extravagant you really are. I really must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity Three French Hens. I insist you are too kind.
Love Agnes.
December 17th
Dear John,
Yet another present, this time Four Calling Birds. You really are spoiling
me.
Love Agnes.
December 18th
Dearest John,
What a surprise, today the postman brought me Five Gold Rings, one for every
finger. You really are impossible, but I love you. Frankly all those birds
were beginning to get on my nerves with their constant squawking.
Your ever loving Agnes.
December 19th
Dear John,
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six ****** great
Geese
laying eggs all over the front doorstep. So, we're back with the birds again
are we?
Where on Earth do you suppose I can keep them all? The neighbours say they
can smell them and I can't sleep for the noise. Please stop.
Cordially Agnes.
December 20th
John,
What is it with these sodding birds? Now I get Swans a-swimming. Is this
some sort of goddam joke or what? The house is full of bird **** and, as for
the racket they make, I'm becoming a nervous wreck. So - it's not funny,
stop sending ****** birds.
Agnes.
December 21st
OK Buster
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight Maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds, now I have eight cows
****ting all over the house and mooing all night. Lay off smartass.
Agnes.
December 22nd
Dear ****head,
What are you? Some kind of nut? Now I have Nine Pipers playing and Christ do
they play. When they aren't playing their sodding pipes they're chasing the
maids through the cow ****. The cows keep mooing and treading all over the
****** birds and the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
You'll get yours.
Agnes.
December 23rd
You Rotten *******,
Now we have ten ladies dancing! How on Earth anyone can call these whores
'Ladies' is beyond me. They are balling the pipers all night long, the cows
can't sleep and have diarrhoea. My living room is a river of **** and the
landlord's just declared the building unfit.
**** off.
Agnes.
December 24th
Listen Twohead,
With eleven lords a-leaping all over the maids, the ladies and me we may
never walk again. The pipers are fighting the lords for the crumpet and are
committing buggery with the cows. All the birds are dead and rotting amongst
the cow ****
after being tramped during the orgy, but not before they had eaten my gold
rings. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious ****house.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes.
Grabbit & Runn
SOLICITORS
25th December
Dear Sir,
We are in receipt of your gift of the 25th inst. of Twelve Fiddlers fiddling
with themselves. We understand that this is merely the latest infliction in
your sustained persecution of our client, Miss Agnes Fullbody, who is at
present residing in the Happy Hours Nursing Home.
We are under instructions to charge you with the destruction of our client's
home,
sanitation and genitalia. You are warned not to attempt to contact Miss
Fullbody
who has given the Nursing Home staff instructions to shoot you on sight. A
warrant has been issued for your arrest and should be served after you
receive this letter.
Yours faithfully,
Grabbit & Runn
P.S. Merry Christmas
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