Tweet
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar.
"Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks.
"No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned in to a field.
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks.
The barman says "I'm not serving you two!"
"Why?" asked the brain.
The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to start something."
What do you get if you cross a pitbull terrier with a labrador puppy?
A dog that makes you crap yourself and then runs away with the toilet paper.
Answerphone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own vimto.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before.
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager.
The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see you, she's ?100 in arrears."
Hear about the cannibal in an Indian restaurant?
He ate his Nan.
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar.
"Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks.
"No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned in to a field.
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks.
The barman says "I'm not serving you two!"
"Why?" asked the brain.
The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to start something."
What do you get if you cross a pitbull terrier with a labrador puppy?
A dog that makes you crap yourself and then runs away with the toilet paper.
Answerphone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own vimto.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before.
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager.
The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see you, she's ?100 in arrears."
Hear about the cannibal in an Indian restaurant?
He ate his Nan.
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.