Tweet
Some if not all of these have probably been posted before, but its a good collection and many of them had me chuckling.
Bogus
Universal truths
"At the end of every party there is always a girl crying."
"Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl."
"You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses."
"Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school."
"Old women with mobile phones look wrong."
"Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush."
"There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when your hand or head is stuck in something."
"Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator."
"Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly."
" You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden."
""Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly."
"Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball."
"Some days you see lots of people on crutches."
""Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited."
"Old ladies can eat more than you think."
"You can't respect a man who carries a dog."
""Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan."
" The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug."
"People who don't drive slam car doors too hard"
"You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with."
"Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose."
"Bricks are horrible to carry."
"In every plate of chips there is a bad chip."
One liners
"I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs."
"Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it."
"So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest"."
"You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
"The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?"."
"So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
"I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one"."
"So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
"So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays"."
"But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."
"So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray."
"So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck"."
"But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar."
"So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again"."
"So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt."
"He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment"."
"Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch."
"So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"."
"Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here""
"A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything""
"A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?""
"A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here""
"A seal walks into a club... "
"A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road.""
"A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.""
"A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.""
"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."
"A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.""
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."
"I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming."
"I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder."
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals."
"Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way."
"My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade."
"Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."
"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.""
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?"
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
"You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither."
"Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living."
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"My friend crossed a Pitbull with a $$$$zu and ended up with a bull $$$$."
What annoys me
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where’s yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Of course! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No idiot, I paid to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, knobhead?
Questions
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call male ballerinas?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Bogus
Universal truths
"At the end of every party there is always a girl crying."
"Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl."
"You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses."
"Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school."
"Old women with mobile phones look wrong."
"Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush."
"There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when your hand or head is stuck in something."
"Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator."
"Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly."
" You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden."
""Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly."
"Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball."
"Some days you see lots of people on crutches."
""Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited."
"Old ladies can eat more than you think."
"You can't respect a man who carries a dog."
""Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan."
" The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug."
"People who don't drive slam car doors too hard"
"You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with."
"Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose."
"Bricks are horrible to carry."
"In every plate of chips there is a bad chip."
One liners
"I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs."
"Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it."
"So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest"."
"You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
"The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?"."
"So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
"I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one"."
"So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
"So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays"."
"But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."
"So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray."
"So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck"."
"But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar."
"So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again"."
"So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt."
"He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment"."
"Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch."
"So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"."
"Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here""
"A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything""
"A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?""
"A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here""
"A seal walks into a club... "
"A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road.""
"A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.""
"A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.""
"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."
"A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.""
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."
"I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming."
"I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder."
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals."
"Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way."
"My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade."
"Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."
"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.""
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?"
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
"You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither."
"Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living."
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"My friend crossed a Pitbull with a $$$$zu and ended up with a bull $$$$."
What annoys me
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where’s yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Of course! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No idiot, I paid to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, knobhead?
Questions
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call male ballerinas?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?