Tweet
14th December
Dearest Darling John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear tree.
What a delightful romantic gift.
Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.
With deep affection,
Your ever-loving Agnes.
15th December
My Dearest Darling John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves.
I am delighted, they are adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
16th December
Dearest Darling John,
Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such
generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.
Your loving Agnes
17th December
Dear John
What can I say?
Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the Postman this morning.
Your kindness really is too much.
Love Agnes
18th December
My Dear John
What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for every finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you.
Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.
Love
Agnes.
19th December
Dear John
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise!
Please stop.
Cordially yours,
Agnes
20th December
What is it with you and these freeking birds? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the place! Is it some sort of stupid joke?
The house is full of bird crap, and the racket!!!
I am becoming a nervous wreck.
It is not funny anymore, stop sending these bloody birds!!!
Agnes.
21st December
OK buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking?
It's not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows crapping all over the house and mooing all night long.
I’m getting peed- OFF!!!!!!!
Agnes.
22nd December
Look dick head - what are you on??? You're having a laugh.
Now I have nine pipers playing ****e music constantly!!!
And Christ do they play....When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they keep chasing the maids through the cow crap.
The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the freaking birds!!! The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
Agnes.
23rd December
You are an 'effin bar-steward!!!!
Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're pulling the pipers all night long!!!!!
The cows can't sleep and now have diarrhoea.
My living room is a sea of crap and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation.
****-Off! and DIE JOHN!!!!!!!
24th December
Listen **** face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, bonking me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again.
The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to committing unmentionable acts with the cows, all the birds are now dead and rotting having been trampled during the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied - you ####.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes.
25th December
You stinking lousy **** !!!!
Twelve effin' drummers, banging their bloody drums all day long !!!!
They have teamed up with the pipers, making one hell of a noise, both lots have been doing the 'unspeakable' with the cows again and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids?
They've probably drowned in the cow crap by now. The only way I have to save myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the frigging pear tree which has been well fertilised by all this crap and has now grown through the roof !!!!!
I hope you rot in hell,
Agnes.
Dearest Darling John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear tree.
What a delightful romantic gift.
Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.
With deep affection,
Your ever-loving Agnes.
15th December
My Dearest Darling John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves.
I am delighted, they are adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
16th December
Dearest Darling John,
Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such
generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.
Your loving Agnes
17th December
Dear John
What can I say?
Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the Postman this morning.
Your kindness really is too much.
Love Agnes
18th December
My Dear John
What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for every finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you.
Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.
Love
Agnes.
19th December
Dear John
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise!
Please stop.
Cordially yours,
Agnes
20th December
What is it with you and these freeking birds? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the place! Is it some sort of stupid joke?
The house is full of bird crap, and the racket!!!
I am becoming a nervous wreck.
It is not funny anymore, stop sending these bloody birds!!!
Agnes.
21st December
OK buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking?
It's not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows crapping all over the house and mooing all night long.
I’m getting peed- OFF!!!!!!!
Agnes.
22nd December
Look dick head - what are you on??? You're having a laugh.
Now I have nine pipers playing ****e music constantly!!!
And Christ do they play....When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they keep chasing the maids through the cow crap.
The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the freaking birds!!! The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
Agnes.
23rd December
You are an 'effin bar-steward!!!!
Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're pulling the pipers all night long!!!!!
The cows can't sleep and now have diarrhoea.
My living room is a sea of crap and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation.
****-Off! and DIE JOHN!!!!!!!
24th December
Listen **** face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, bonking me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again.
The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to committing unmentionable acts with the cows, all the birds are now dead and rotting having been trampled during the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied - you ####.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes.
25th December
You stinking lousy **** !!!!
Twelve effin' drummers, banging their bloody drums all day long !!!!
They have teamed up with the pipers, making one hell of a noise, both lots have been doing the 'unspeakable' with the cows again and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids?
They've probably drowned in the cow crap by now. The only way I have to save myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the frigging pear tree which has been well fertilised by all this crap and has now grown through the roof !!!!!
I hope you rot in hell,
Agnes.
Comment