Tweet
HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board princ
iple. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and
the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they
are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the front wing.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten
times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from
a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm
howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-
and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name
implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air
that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.
PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board princ
iple. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and
the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they
are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the front wing.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten
times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from
a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm
howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-
and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name
implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air
that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.
PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short
Comment