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Three men are at the Pearly Gates of heaven and god says to them "How many times have you been unfaithful to your wives?" The first man says 3 and so god says he must travel round heaven in a Fiesta, the second man says 5 times and so god makes him travel round heaven in a Lada. The third man however has not been unfaithful and so god said "well done for being such a good man you get to drive a Rolls Royce in heaven. A little while latter God sees the man in the Rolls at the side of the road crying, he says what's the matter you have this beautiful car? I know said the man but I just saw my wife go past on a skateboard.
Did you hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for Christmas?He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read!
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands his or her internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment and when a woman talks dirty to a man its a dollar ninety-nine a minute?
SWIMMING
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms, the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast.
The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some f**ker puts a swimming cap on me"
Did you hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for Christmas?He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read!
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands his or her internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment and when a woman talks dirty to a man its a dollar ninety-nine a minute?
SWIMMING
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms, the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast.
The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some f**ker puts a swimming cap on me"