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Englishman's Diary
The diary of an Englishman living his first winter in the highlands.
dec 20th.
It's started to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took our hot toddies and sat in the porch watching the fluffy soft snow flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
dec 24th.
We woke today to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a glistening white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement.
Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved.
I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose. They had a snowball fight and a couple just missed me and hit the car.
I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
dec 26th.
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to minus 8. Several branches on out trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of snow. I shovelled our driveway again.
shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish grey.
Jan 1st.
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my @rse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.
Jan 5th.
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of the whit sh*te last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. That ba*t*rd snowplough came by twice today.
Jan 9th.
More f***king snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that has not been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put out the flames but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and lashes.
Car hit a f*****g deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
Jan 13th.
Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little git next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that carrot so far up the little prats rectum it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the dickhead that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b@st@rd hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael f*****g Schumacher and buries the f*****g driveway again.
Jan 17th.
16 more sodding inches of f*****g snow and f*****g ice and f*****g sleet and god knows what other white s**te fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick. Can't move my f*****g toes. Haven’t seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f*****g snow forecast.
STUFF THIS, I'M MOVING BACK SOUTH
dec 20th.
It's started to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took our hot toddies and sat in the porch watching the fluffy soft snow flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
dec 24th.
We woke today to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a glistening white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement.
Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved.
I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose. They had a snowball fight and a couple just missed me and hit the car.
I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
dec 26th.
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to minus 8. Several branches on out trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of snow. I shovelled our driveway again.
shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish grey.
Jan 1st.
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my @rse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.
Jan 5th.
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of the whit sh*te last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. That ba*t*rd snowplough came by twice today.
Jan 9th.
More f***king snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that has not been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put out the flames but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and lashes.
Car hit a f*****g deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
Jan 13th.
Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little git next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that carrot so far up the little prats rectum it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the dickhead that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b@st@rd hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael f*****g Schumacher and buries the f*****g driveway again.
Jan 17th.
16 more sodding inches of f*****g snow and f*****g ice and f*****g sleet and god knows what other white s**te fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick. Can't move my f*****g toes. Haven’t seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f*****g snow forecast.
STUFF THIS, I'M MOVING BACK SOUTH
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