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just a few funnies to start the weekend off with a smile 
- I hope!
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden,he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord,I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside,what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy...."
The Lord replied;
"You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy," Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says," No, what?" " He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender." Yeah, that doesn't suprise me,"replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little basket! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink,the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted." Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks."
Now what?", responds the patron. " Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper." Yeah, that doesn't suprise me," replied the patron." He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first!"
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http://www.onzin.nl/internetdownload/index.htm
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- I hope! ------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden,he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord,I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside,what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy...."
The Lord replied;
"You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy," Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says," No, what?" " He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender." Yeah, that doesn't suprise me,"replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little basket! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink,the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted." Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks."
Now what?", responds the patron. " Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper." Yeah, that doesn't suprise me," replied the patron." He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first!"
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http://www.onzin.nl/internetdownload/index.htm
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